My eyes are wide, and my knuckles are white, gripping the wheel for my dear life. My chest is tight, my mind isn’t right it’s telling me something I can’t fight. Somehow, I make it home, just in time to collapse on the sofa, where I lay in utter silence, heart racing, and mind pounding trying to end this nightmare I have created.
I had never experienced anything like it. I had had plenty of emotional breakdowns over the course of my high school career, but this time, I felt as if my world was closing in around me and that death was near.
The cause was peanut butter.
I had eaten peanut butter almost every day during my childhood, but for whatever reason, I had quit craving it. So on a whim, I decided to eat some. Soon after, my mouth began to tingle. This had never happened before. I looked up this symptom and the diagnosis on Web MD pointed towards a possible food allergy.
My only knowledge of food allergies was that the most severe cases can cause anaphylaxis (throat swelling and other symptoms that can lead to death if not treated immediately).
I spent all of my time obsessing over whether or not I had a peanut allergy. My reasoning was that because I ate it so frequently in my childhood, my body began to tire of it and developed an allergy to it so it wouldn’t have to digest it. I stumbled upon horrifying accounts of children who have to isolate themselves from the world because one peanut could kill them.
I began to believe that I had become one of them. So I began to suffer, quietly.
I began to feel anxious at the very sight of anything with peanut butter in it. Every time I smelled it, observed it or touched it, my heart began to race, my throat became tight, I had trouble breathing and I would have to remove myself from the room in order to gain control.
As I spiraled deeper into my obsession, I began to believe that I had somehow caused this ‘allergy’ and that it wasn’t fair that a person like me can’t eat a certain food many other people can. I had found something that was more important than anything, so I began to let it consume my mind, thoughts and life.
My breaking point was that night of the panic attack. I could not live like that anymore. I couldn’t let a food hold me down and keep me locked up from my life. I was better than that.
I finally dug the courage to get tested.
The result: negative
For around four months, I let anxiety control me. For so many people, anxiety has and will continue to control them.
I know that every day from now on will be a struggle. The Reese’s peanut butter cup commercial makes my heart skip a beat, but I just tell myself to keep moving forward. The smell of peanut butter causes me to tense up. But I no longer have to leave the room, because I know that as long as I don’t eat it, nothing will happen. It’s the simple reminders that keep me going.
I know that my case may seem minuscule to how some of my peers suffer every day. You do not have to live like this. Start small. Write down your feelings. Talk to a therapist. Find a relaxing hobby that takes away the stress. Do something to help eliminate the worries that lead to the vicious cycle of panic and anxiety. You deserve to be in control of your destiny.
Looking back, I should have seen it coming. I realized that my obsession with my peanut ‘allergy’ was the manifestation of everything that had caused me anxiety over the course of the year.
The real culprit of the panic attack was me.